{"id":1025,"date":"2014-04-20T06:18:29","date_gmt":"2014-04-20T06:18:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/?page_id=1025"},"modified":"2014-04-20T06:18:29","modified_gmt":"2014-04-20T06:18:29","slug":"cross-cultural-relationships","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/?page_id=1025","title":{"rendered":"Cross Cultural Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"

How Couples Make It Work<\/strong><\/p>\n

An edited version of this article appeared in Aquarius Magazine in November 2009 \u2013 find it online here<\/a>. <\/i><\/b><\/p>\n

If it\u2019s true that variety alone gives joy, it\u2019s no wonder there are so many happy couples from vastly diverse backgrounds, especially here in the UAE. Every year, thousands of singletons arrive from around the global, and with over 200 different nationalities represented in a relatively small space, cross cultural love connections are bound to occur. Perhaps English dramatist Aphra Behn best captured the beauty of marrying someone from a different background when she wrote, \u201cVariety is the soul of pleasure.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dr. Roqhy McCarthy of the Counseling and Development Clinic, however, warns that some people use cultural differences as a way to keep their partner at arm\u2019s length. \u201cThere will always be differences to overcome in any relationship, but for some people, the barriers in a mixed marriage add to the intrigue,\u201d explains McCarthy, a clinical psychologist. \u201cThese people don\u2019t want to connect or are unable to connect. They want to have someone in their lives, but they don\u2019t want to communicate on an emotional level.\u201d<\/p>\n

Both experts and experienced couples agree\u2014cross cultural relationships can be harder than they sometimes look. Despite the difficulties that are bound to arise, though, hundreds of marriages don\u2019t just survive but thrive on the diversity. These three happy couples share how they\u2019ve bonded in the face of racial, religious, and language differences.<\/p>\n

Erik and Lucille Juhlin, married 6 years<\/strong><\/p>\n

How do two people meet and get to know each other from across the globe? Like many couples, Erik and Lucille Juhlin met via the internet. Despite the distance and differences in culture, Lucille has found the language barrier to be their biggest issue. \u201cWe want to learn each others\u2019 languages but it\u2019s hard,\u201d says Erik, a native of K\u00f6ping, Sweden. Though both speak English, Erik\u2019s mother tongue is Swedish and Lucille\u2019s is Visaya, a Philippine dialect.<\/p>\n

\u201cI feel like I spend a lot of time explaining because I don\u2019t want us to argue over misunderstandings,\u201d says Lucille, who hails from Ormoc in the Leyte province of the Philippines. \u201cI end up saying \u2018no I meant this\u2019 or \u2018I was trying to say that\u2019 and sometimes I don\u2019t understand a word in English that Erik is saying. He\u2019s very loving, though, because he always tries to explain what he wants to say in an easy way.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ironically, the fact that both Erik and Lucille are speaking a second language helps to ease the tension. \u201cMy English is not perfect either,\u201d admits Erik. \u201cI studied it at school but I didn\u2019t speak it regularly until I moved here.\u201d Despite Erik\u2019s daily use of English, he\u2019s still always aware that it\u2019s not his first language, and that awareness fosters his patience with his wife.<\/p>\n

Even more interesting, because Erik and Lucille rely on English to communicate with each other, their children, Mark age 8 and Janelle age 2\u00bd, are growing up speaking English as their first language. \u201cThey both speak a bit of Visaya and they know some words and songs in Swedish, but mostly they speak English,\u201d says Erik, an air traffic controller.<\/p>\n

In addition to being trilingual, the Juhlin\u2019s are also a family of many colors, but this variety of skin tones hasn\u2019t been a problem for them. Though mixed races are the norm in the UAE, Lucille doesn\u2019t really notice the differences in their colors until they go to visit her family. \u201cIn the Philippines people will ask me \u2018why is your son so dark?\u2019 and \u2018why is your daughter so white?\u2019\u201d says Lucille. \u201cI don\u2019t think they mean to be evil\u2014they\u2019re just curious, but I get tired of explaining sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Thanks to the large American influence in the Philippines, Erik is not as conspicuous as he thought he might be. In fact, he says his family is more likely to draw attention in Scandinavia. \u201cIf we were to go back to my little town in Sweden, we would stick out a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n

The good news is that the Juhlin\u2019s have no immediate plans to leave the UAE, arguably the ultimate melting pot. \u201cWe\u2019ll go to Sweden for at least 3 years so Lucille can get citizenship and the kids can go to school but we don\u2019t want to leave the UAE yet,\u201d says Erik. \u201cOur dream would be to live half the time in Sweden and half the time in the Philippines.\u201d<\/p>\n

Deb Kelly and Mahmoud El Moneim, married 15 years<\/strong><\/p>\n

Perhaps the only way to make a multicultural relationship work is for each person to truly appreciate the other\u2019s way of life. When mutual friends introduced Deb Kelly and Mahmoud El Moneim in August 1993, Deb was on her second sojourn in Egypt. \u201cI\u2019d spent six months backpacking in Egypt with a girlfriend, but I returned on my own to work as a scuba diving instructor,\u201d recalls Deb, who calls New Brunswick, Canada, home.<\/p>\n

Though they\u2019ve always been supportive of the relationship, Deb\u2019s family wasn\u2019t sure what to think at first. \u201cI don\u2019t think initially my family was thrilled\u2014we\u2019ve all seen movies like Not Without My Daughter<\/i> so they had a perception of what Arab men are like, and the fact is that that sort of thing can happen,\u201d admits Deb. \u201cEven according to UAE law, children of foreign marriages are to remain in the UAE with their fathers. I\u2019ve always been very independent, though, so my family respected my decision.\u201d<\/p>\n

Likewise, Mahmoud\u2019s Muslim family has also been receptive. \u201cMost of the people I lived around growing up were used to Christians, so no one in Egypt asks me why I married a Christian,\u201d says Mahmoud, a native of Cairo. \u201cIt\u2019s only here in the UAE that I ever get any questions. Every once in awhile, I\u2019ll hear something from the guys around here like \u2018whoa, you\u2019re married to a white girl, what about the kids\u2019. I just tell them that it\u2019s none of their business.\u201d<\/p>\n

Though Mahmoud is Muslim and Deb is Christian, this massive difference hasn\u2019t been a problem. \u201cTechnically our children are classified as Muslim, but we\u2019re teaching them an appreciation for both religions and for the North American traditions that often go along with Christianity,\u201d explains Deb. \u201cNeither of us is terribly conservative when it comes to religion so it\u2019s never been a problem; Muslims are allowed to marry Christians because it\u2019s all the same God and my family doesn\u2019t really talk about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

What\u2019s the key to making the relationship work? Says Deb, if you\u2019re going to get involved with someone from such a different background, you really need to appreciate their culture. \u201cI\u2019d been living in Egypt long before I ever met Mahmoud,\u201d recalls Deb, who moved to the UAE with her husband nine years ago. \u201cI already had an appreciation for the region and all that goes with it\u2014the lifestyle, the traditions, the customs, the whole way of life. I think if I hadn\u2019t had that appreciation, my expectations might have been different for the relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n

Thanks to this mutual understanding, the marriage has flourished. In fact, Deb and Mahmoud believe their differences will benefit their children, Noah age 11 and Jenah age 8. \u201cOur kids can get the best of both religions and they can choose,\u201d says Deb. \u201cThey don\u2019t have to be one way or the other. And if they ever get confused by things they hear, they talk to us and we deal with it at home.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mahmoud agrees. \u201cYou can see the difference between our kids and kids who have never been anywhere. Kids coming from overseas are generally more accepting of differences, whether that\u2019s color or language or accent or whatever. It\u2019s definitely a plus and as they kids get older, they\u2019ll benefit more and more from their diversity.\u201d<\/p>\n

F\u00e9lim and Alejandra Bolster, married 9 years<\/strong><\/p>\n

Though F\u00e9lim and Alejandra Bolster met on the job in Abu Dhabi almost eleven years ago, they have since learned that loving a foreigner can be harder than it looks. Language has always been the greatest concern, says Alejandra, who comes from Zaragoza in the northern part of Spain. \u201cThe wedding had to be in two languages,\u201d recalls Cork, Ireland, native F\u00e9lim. \u201cWe had to get a Spanish priest who could speak English.\u201d<\/p>\n

Though Alejandra\u2019s English skills have improved exponentially since her wedding day, F\u00e9lim still struggles, not so much with his wife but with her family. \u201cI haven\u2019t really made the effort to learn Spanish,\u201d admits F\u00e9lim. \u201cI have a really great father-in-law who I get on with really well, but it\u2019s difficult because we can\u2019t have real adult conversations. It\u2019s especially important for me to be able to communicate with him because my father passed away when I was quite young, so he\u2019s the closest thing I\u2019ve got to one.\u201d<\/p>\n

Even more than the basics of communication, neither F\u00e9lim nor Alejandra feel like their true personalities come through in the other\u2019s language. \u201cIf you think you\u2019re reasonably intelligent, it\u2019s hard to prove that to people when you can\u2019t speak their language,\u201d jokes F\u00e9lim. \u201cI always have more to offer to the conversation than I\u2019m able to contribute. I\u2019m a funny guy\u2014her friends will never know how funny I am!\u201d<\/p>\n

Alejandra feels the same way. \u201cNo matter how well I speak English, I\u2019m a different person speaking English than I am speaking Spanish. When I first came to Abu Dhabi, someone described me as very quiet and shy; I couldn\u2019t believe it because anyone from home would say I was completely the opposite.\u201d<\/p>\n

Despite the issues, the Bolster\u2019s language barrier will eventually pay off for their two sons, Milo age 5 and Connor age 1. \u201cMilo is already bilingual because he and Alejandra only speak Spanish to each other,\u201d says F\u00e9lim, a high school principal. \u201cEven though he\u2019s living in what is essentially an English speaking world, he\u2019ll be able to speak and understand Spanish like a native Spaniard. We sometimes have conversations between the three of us and Milo will move back and forth between the two languages.\u201d<\/p>\n

Though it may not seem like Spain and Ireland are that different, Milo is still a third culture kid, a situation that gives his mother pause. \u201cI worry that, because he\u2019s not completely Spanish or completely Irish, he\u2019ll never really make friends,\u201d doubts Alejandra. \u201cHe\u2019s not as fluent as other five-year-olds in Spain plus he has an accent, so I\u2019m worried that if other kids laugh at him, he\u2019ll grow up hating Spain.\u201d<\/p>\n

F\u00e9lim disagrees. \u201cI want my sons to understand where they come from and to be proud of that part of themselves, but what I really want is for them to be able to fit in anywhere and to be tolerant.\u201d While some third culture kids are able to blend with just about anyone, others grow up feeling that they don\u2019t really belong anywhere. Alejandra highly recommends the book Third Culture Kids<\/i> by David Pollock (available through Magrudy\u2019s) to anyone raising third culture kids.<\/p>\n

Despite the risks, F\u00e9lim believes the benefits of their diverse backgrounds will outweigh any negatives. \u201cI think the world is getting smaller all the time and you don\u2019t do a child a disservice by exposing them to other cultures. It would be worse for a kid to grow up being so nationalistic that they can\u2019t relate to other countries or see the suffering of other people.\u201d<\/p>\n

What to Do<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dr. Kennon Rider, Professor of Family Community Services at Michigan State University Dubai, recommends the following tips for couples in a cross cultural relationship:<\/p>\n