{"id":1146,"date":"2017-03-20T02:38:11","date_gmt":"2017-03-20T02:38:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/?p=1146"},"modified":"2021-04-27T07:05:26","modified_gmt":"2021-04-27T07:05:26","slug":"the-book-doctor","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/?p=1146","title":{"rendered":"The Book Doctor"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>When I told my children I was going back to school this year, their first question was, \u2018What for?\u2019 <\/span>Having completed twelve years of childhood studies, four years of undergraduate school and three years of grad school, they figured I\u2019d done plenty \u2013 why, they couldn\u2019t fathom, would I willingly sign up to start the 20th<\/sup> grade? I could see I had to sell it. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018Well, I\u2019m getting a PhD, which means when I finish, I\u2019m going to be a doctor.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

At this they perked up. \u2018Really? Will you work in a hospital and cut people up?\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2018No, not that kind of doctor \u2013 a doctor of writing books.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

They were substantially less impressed. <\/span><\/p>\n

I can see why. I mean, let\u2019s face it, a doctor of writing books may be the least useful kind of doctor there is. Seriously, imagine being on a flight when this scene goes down \u2026 <\/span><\/p>\n

[Flying through a storm. The flight attendant rushes down the aisle<\/i>.] <\/span><\/p>\n

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is there a doctor on the plane?<\/span><\/p>\n

ME: Yes! I\u2019m a doctor!<\/span><\/p>\n

FA: Come quick! This man is having a heart attack!<\/span><\/p>\n

ME: Fantastic! Get me a ballpoint pen and some napkins. <\/span><\/p>\n

FA: Are you going to perform an emergency tracheotomy?<\/span><\/p>\n

ME: Of course not! I\u2019m going to establish the setting! [begins scribbling madly<\/i>] <\/span><\/p>\n

It was a dark and stormy night. The plane shuddered as yet another bolt of lightning struck the wing but Jim in seat 2B didn\u2019t notice. He was gasping for breath, his heart in full cardiac arrest \u2026<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

ME: We need to move fast. I\u2019m going to need a love interest. You! With the cleavage! You\u2019ll do nicely. <\/span><\/p>\n

BOOBS: Oh, but I\u2019m already married. My husband is just in the toil-<\/span><\/p>\n

ME: Not anymore, ma\u2019am. Not anymore. [shouting<\/i>] Jim! Jim!<\/span><\/p>\n

FA: This manifest says the passenger sitting in 2B is named Alberto?<\/span><\/p>\n

ME: That doesn\u2019t work with my backstory AT ALL \u2013 JIM!?!<\/span><\/p>\n

DYING MAN: Ye- \u2026 Yes??<\/span><\/p>\n

ME: [measured<\/i>] Do you have a good relationship with your only son?<\/span><\/p>\n

MAN: [gasping<\/i>] I \u2026 have three sons, but yes \u2026 I \u2026 I have \u2026 a \u2026 good \u2026 relation-<\/span><\/p>\n

ME: Just as I feared \u2013 damn! [points to flight attendant<\/i>] I\u2019m going to need an iPad with Wi-Fi and access to his Facebook account. We need to destroy this relationship STAT. [to Boobs<\/i>] GET OVER HERE AND COMFORT JIM! But coldly \u2013 you\u2019re resentful. We\u2019re not sure why yet. <\/span><\/p>\n

[Gathered passengers and flight attendant all stare, mouths agape.]<\/span><\/p>\n

ME: Now, people, now! I need PLOT POINTS or we\u2019re going to LOSE HIM!<\/span><\/p>\n

MR BOOBS: [returning from the toilet, openly confused] Darling! Why are you comforting that man? Coldly? <\/span><\/p>\n

BOOBS: Oh, I\u2019m his love interest. I\u2019m resentful but we\u2019re not sure why. Yet. <\/span><\/p>\n

MR BOOBS: Ah! Right then! I\u2019ll just go sit down.  <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

ME: Ladies and gentlemen, if we could stay focused here, we really need to get this inciting incident moving \u2026 <\/span><\/p>\n

DYING MAN: I\u2019m \u2026 [gasps<\/i>] \u2026 having something of an existential crisis \u2013 does that help?<\/span><\/p>\n

ME: Christ, man. What am I, James Joyce? Now if you were an ex-cop with a score to settle, I\u2019d have something to work with. [tenderly<\/i>] Don\u2019t worry \u2013 I have two teenagers and a disgruntled florist hacking into your Facebook account right now. We\u2019ll have your only son not speaking to you in no time. <\/span><\/p>\n

DYING MAN: And \u2026 my heart?<\/span><\/p>\n

ME: Oh, your son \u2013 Enoch! Trystan Enoch Thackery! Well, Enoch will be devastated by your death, especially considering how he left things between the two of you, the ungrateful little prick. <\/span><\/p>\n

DYING MAN: But \u2026 ?<\/span><\/p>\n

ME: I\u2019m really sorry but as it turns out, this isn\u2019t your story at all. I\u2019m afraid you\u2019re not even a major turning point. <\/span><\/p>\n

DYING MAN: Well, I \u2026 I guess you would know. You are a doctor, after all. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

 <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I told my children I was going back to school this year, their first question was, \u2018What for?\u2019 Having completed twelve years of childhood studies, four years of undergraduate school and three years of grad school, they figured I\u2019d … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"gallery","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1146"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1146"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1146\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1186,"href":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1146\/revisions\/1186"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1146"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1146"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.laurafulton.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1146"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}